


Brotherhood gone bonkers 11

by Aqua111



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog (Archie Comic)
Genre: Christmas, Gen, Humor, Mall Santa Claus, Parody, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-08 04:38:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15923033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aqua111/pseuds/Aqua111
Summary: People starting the apocalypse over sales, an unusual Mall Santa with a pony, Athair goes shopping with dead people and Spectre is Jewish.Slight hint at Locke/Luger but nothing more than that.





	Brotherhood gone bonkers 11

**Author's Note:**

> This is... well, actually I have no idea what this is since it's all over the place.
> 
> When I started writing it I had originally planned it to be a Christmas gift for :iconcharleethecat-bat: - for Christmas 2016... That's how long it had been lying around with enough time to grow in odd directions every time I picked it up anew.
> 
> At some parts it turned into really cynical satire and less into the stupid comedy Brotherhood gone bonkers usually is. And then it's pure comedy again. And then it's suddenly a romantic comedy.
> 
> Kragok is behaving a bit out of character here. The reason is, I originally wrote Remington into this role but then changed it because imagining it with Kragok was just better. Also, Kragok would rather be someone to explode into a customer's face than Rem.
> 
> "It is Christmas. Wonders can happen." - Gabrie-cat

The world lay quiet covered by a thick blanket of snow - or at least it would have if hundreds of honking cars hadn't driven over it. Grey clouds, perpetual rain that helped the stream of cars turning the bit of snow into brown slush even faster, people trampled each other over the winter sales, a bunch of Legionnaires who had been sent to hand out "Dimitri our lord and saviour"-flyers drowned in a pool of mud. Hahh, the romantic scenery of the winter wonderland called Echidnaopolis.

"Why they all were freaking out so much over buying random things during the winter months was a mystery though since Christmas was not even a thing on Angel Island. Oh well, I guess seeing a 'sale' somewhere is already enough reason to drive everyone insane." - Gabrie-cat

Locke was on his way to the library, feeling quite relieved that he didn't need to go to any stores today, or even outside at all for that matter. The traffic reports he heard on the radio only a few minutes ago sounded as if the apocalypse had broken out in Echidnaopolis.

"Morning, Athair", he greeted when he entered the brightly coloured glittering room, "Morning, Har..." He stopped dead in his tracks and stared at the scenery in front of him. Not only was he seeing dead people again - Harlan stood in the middle of the room wearing a white dress with golden wings on his back holding something that looked like a glittering fur stole - but the whole room was decorated with shining colourful glass balls, stars and angel figures made of straw, single fir branches wherever there was enough space to stuck them between, some of them carrying candles and colourful glittering stoles like the one Harlan was holding spanning from one shelf to the other like a bunch of weird washing lines. Athair was standing on a ladder trying to fix a giant reindeer made of fir branches to the ceiling but then apparently gave it up and shoved it between the ceiling and the top of a shelf instead.

"Last Christmas, I gave you a fart and the very next day it still blew you away", Harlan silently sung while absent mindedly watching him.

For a while Locke stood and stared as if he was in a trance then he vigorously shook his head and finally found his voice again. "What in Edmund's name are you doing?"

"Decorating everything for Christmas", was Athair's happy reply. In the box that was balancing on one of the shelves near him he meanwhile had found a bright red and green bell - the colour combination actually stung in Locke's eyes - that he now fixed to the ceiling instead of the reindeer.

"Christ-what?" In the depths of his memory Locke could remember already hearing about it - a holiday celebrated by another culture on Mobius - but as far as he knew it never had been a thing on Angel Island.

"Yeah, I KNOW it's not one of our holidays", Athair sighed as if simply by his lack of knowledge Locke had already uttered a complaint against the decorated room. "But it's such a wonderful tradition and if only you knew more about it you all would love it too."

"How do you even know about this odd tradition?" Locke asked. To him overloading a room with shiny decoration sounded anything but wonderful. Maybe it was something Athair could love - but the others?

Athair took a deep breath. "How I found out about Christmas? Well, that is a really long story."

"Actually it's two minutes long", Harlan said. "I already heard it. A couple of times in fact. And so has everyone else in the whole building he already crossed paths with."

While still with the tribe during the coldest period of the year Athair encountered a human group.

These humans curiously lived outside of houses. Roaming the streets, looking for food in trash cans - they actually reminded Athair a lot of how he sometimes lived at that time so he befriended them quickly. And they gave the Echidnas... well, mostly they gave them their smells, fleas and a rash. But they also gave them knowledge of a festivity called Christmas. The End.

"This human group called 'Ho-Bos' had such nice stories to tell, the others will love them too and then we can all spend time together in harmony and share food and exchange gifts and..." Athair said with an excited glint in his eyes.

Locke just gave Harlan a helpless glance. "What kind of drugs did he take? I know he is crazy but that is extreme even for him."

Before Harlan could give an answer the door opened and Spectre entered the room. His appearance also interrupted Athair's rambles. The dark Echidna eyed the colourful room suspiciously.

"He ... still hasn't given up on that idea...", he just bleakly commented.

"Oh, great-grandfather, back for more stories?" Athair happily hopped off the ladder. "Did you like them? Did they convince you? Can we have...?"

Spectre stared at him with an unfazed expression on his face then he interrupted him with a quick, "I'm Jewish...", turned tail and rushed out of the room again, leaving the others behind to exchange confused gazes.

"Do you think they are selling anything for Hanukkah in the city?" Harlan broke the silence.

"Oh yes, I almost have forgotten about the Christmas presents anyways. Let's go shopping!" Excitedly Athair raced out of the room while Harlan followed at a slower pace.

In passing Locke gave him another desperate look. "Can't you do anything to stop him." It only earned him a grin and a pat on the head.

"Why? It's proving to be pretty interesting. Besides I love shopping for whatever additional crap we might find." And with that the ex-Guardian was gone as well.

Locke let out a groan and made a mental note to either lock himself in his room for the next two weeks or "accidentally" get lost in the many hardly explored rooms and corridors Haven still had to offer. He decided to at least look for the books he originally had come for before following through with his plan however when he arrived at the shelf they normally were stored on he was only greeted by a gaping emptiness. Locke muttered a silent curse when memories came back to his mind - he had taken them to his mother's house when he last paid her a visit and then... well, they probably were still there. They also contained a lot of his notes so he really needed them. He let out an exasperated sigh. Now he needed to go to the city after all.

Sabre was sitting at his desk sorting out the mail they had gotten during the last few days. "That is just ad material... that is private for Sojourner... that is another Christmas card from Athair... that is so much fun... Oh, Remington is writing again too." He turned the envelope in his hands. They hardly ever read the constable's weekly reports since after all it mostly was about the damages one of the Guardians had caused in a drugged state. Maybe he should give one of them a look again for a change. "Just to please the constable. It's Christmas after all", he thought remembering Athair's long-winded lecture during breakfast.

"Here is the monthly damage report. Blah, blah, blah, ... Okay, sometimes I wonder if anyone even reads that shit. I mean, you know the drill. I send you a summary of what you ruined this month and you pay the compensation amount that is found at the end of the letter. Does anyone even care what I write about? I could say anything and you wouldn't even notice how weird that just was. Refrigerator. Or maybe, oh, I know, I could tell a joke. So, Spectre and Thunderhawk walk into a bar and ... oh crap, I'm all out of space."

Sabre blinked a few times in surprise. Maybe they should ignore him a little less often. A sudden loud DING-DONG startled him.

"What the... I thought Locke had taken off that damn doorbell?!"

He stood up and rushed towards the door, expecting the worst. With their luck Dimitri had found out about Christmas as well and now had come to Celebrate with them.

When he opened he at first saw no one. He was just about to close the door again, blaming it on kids playing ding-dong-ditching ("In the middle of the desert in the Forbidden Zone?!" - Gabrie-cat) when a large metallic structure unfolded from above the door until it was hanging right in front of his face.

"Good morning", GLaDOS said, "Has someone ordered two million cookies? I just unloaded them into your driveway."

Sabre stared at her dumbfounded, mouth slightly agape. The only thing he could think of at the moment was 'Athair...' Then something else crossed his mind. "Wait, we don't even have a driveway..."

"... Now you have one."

Sabre stared at the deep ruts left by whatever army of trucks had carried the cookies to Haven's doors, stared at GLaDOS then slammed the door into her face. Only a second later though he opened it again. "Get the damn cookies in. We can't leave them blocking the entrance for all eternity. Just stuff them into whatever room you find that is big enough."

"C'me 'ere, Jewish daddy", Spectre was called back when he was about to pass the kitchen. "Have a drink with me. Unless your new religion prohibits fun as much as your old one apparently did."

The dark Guardian stopped and frowned at Thunderhawk who was sitting on top of the kitchen table, clasping a large mug.

"Don't tell me you are already drinking alcohol. It's barely past 9 o'clock."

"So?" Thunderhawk asked staring into his mug with an unfazed expression.

"A.M."

The lavender male looked up, now a bit of surprise on his face. "Oh..."

Spectre sighed. "You don't even know if it's morning or evening anymore?"

"Well, it's not like Haven has windows or anything."

"Well, anyways, you already know about ... THAT?"

Thunderhawk shrugged his shoulders. "Well, it's not like Athair is especially quiet in his rampage." He held out the mug once more. "So, you want some?"

"Fine..." Spectre growled and much to Thunderhawk's big surprise he walked over, sat down on the table next to him and took the mug out of his hands. "If what I expect to come is really coming I better don't want to face it sober..."

Merely an hour and several cups later the kitchen of Haven was filled with the deep conversations about life, the universe and the whole rest.

"I like field cucumbers better. They have these little knobs."

Well, actually rather the shallow rest than the deep universe.

"You know what", Spectre said and suddenly stood up - and immediately fell to the ground because he had fallen over one of the countless mugs on the floor. "If I understood Athair correctly", he loudly said from the floor trying to drown Thunderhawk's laughter, "Christmas is the time when you stop ignoring those which you are normally ignoring all year long and are suddenly trying to redeem yourself by handing out lots of expensive gifts ... or whatever. How about we are doing that as well? Remington could have something and ... whoever else we annoyed the whole year long."

"So the whole city?" Thunderhawk brought out between chuckles. "But where do we get these gifts from?"

"We have storages full of hats no one ever wears and we can also pack some cookies on top. Everyone likes cookies. And we can probably also find a Santa-like sleigh somewhere - if not we can borrow something from Locke's lab. Not jets, it might be better if we make it anonymously."

Thunderhawk stared at him with open mouth as if he just had heard a divine revelation. "That idea is actually AWESOME!" He jumped off the table as well and kicked a few mugs out of his way. "I'm going to tell Sojourner. He has to help us with the hats."

"If he doesn't want to come, tell him it's an order from me!" Spectre called after him.

Locke had walked along the massive line of people for a long time by now. At first he had thought it was the waiting line to a huge convention but then he noticed it ended in front of a smaller store. A security guard blocked the entrance. From what little of the inside the Guardian could see the store was so stuffed full of people that standing alone was already extremely complicated, let alone shopping. He could only shake his head. Why people were willing to do this was beyond his understanding.

"Hey, joker-boy, doing a little shopping as well?" someone called out to him.

Locke spun around but then a little smile crept onto his face. If there was one of the whole bunch he actually wanted to see and felt comfortable to be around at the moment it was him. Luger casually strolled towards him.

"I thought you knew me better. There is no way I will ever want to be in such a crowd. But what about you? Up for some shopping?"

"Nah, I just dropped someone off at the mall. Had to avoid a really loud and excited Guardian at the entrance who was accompanied by an angel. I think that's enough strange action for me for today."

Locke sighed. At least he knew where Athair was at the moment - and what place should be avoided like the plague.

"I'm just glad he didn't also decorate the streets of Echidnaopolis on his way. Except for a bit of greenery here and there", he nodded at a few fir branches and other, often painted, plant parts that were hanging on street lamps and over power supply lines as if an insane gardener had fired a huge canon full of his trash at the city.

Luger looked up at the plants which were dangling over their heads. "Oh? ...Ohhh..." He suddenly blushed slightly. "Uhm, Locke, do you know about this plant?"

"Viscum album, a hemiparasitic plant in the order Santalales, more commonly known as mistletoe", was the immediate answer. "No idea why Athair thought a parasite was festive."

Unlike Locke though Luger knew the meaning of this plant and he could picture well why someone would hang it somewhere - maybe a little too well. His blush turned into an even darker shade of red, especially now that he realised the awkward silence he had fallen into and Locke's questioning gaze on him.

"Well, you see... there's a meaning... how shall I explain... we... I mean... two people..." Luger stuttered around then he stopped for a moment to take a few breaths and whisper words of confidence to himself that Locke couldn't hear.

"Locke... I never wanted to spring it on you like that but there is something I wanted to tell you for quite a while. Maybe this mistletoe is a good opportunity..."

There was a sudden ruckus on the street. A few people had left the store and the security guard had made the mistake to open the door wider than absolutely necessary for them and to step aside. Immediately everyone in the waiting line was rushing forward, people were trying to crawl over each other, the ones who had just left were pushed back inside, the building now was so full that it actually risked bursting - cracks already showed along the walls, the security guard was just running for his life. Locke and Luger had to leap out of the way as well unless they wanted to get trampled by the masses or get dragged along with them. Standing at a safe distance they were clinging onto each other staring at the riot with wide eyes.

"What the deuce..." Luger whispered.

"I should have taken a video", Locke said, "To show to my father and give him a reason why it's not a good idea for me to be among other people." He only now noticed that he was still clinging to Luger and took a step back, awkwardly clearing his throat. "Well... actually... Actually I came into the city to collect something from my mother's house. You could accompany me - if you have the time that is."

"Yes. Yes, I have absolutely nothing else to do right now. I'll come with you", Luger quickly said. 'Don't leave me alone in this city of nutters!' his mind desperately added.

We are leaving this peaceful scene of shopping madness and are turning our gazes to an already mentioned nearby mall. It was a lot quieter in there - because there were no sales. The only ruckus every now and then was caused by customers screaming at the cashiers and threatening to call the police - because there were no sales.

A big tree adorned the atrium. It was decorated with so many red and white garlands and decor elements you could have thought the flags of Nepal and Austria had a gangbang with Switzerland and Japan and created an ugly baby.

An Echidna wearing a badly sitting white beard and dressed in red and white winter clothes sat under the tree surrounded by bags and giant presents.

"Since Christmas is still (mostly) unknown on Angel Island this is not the christmassy kind of Santa - he is only there because of an advertisement campaign by Coca Cola - and so is the tree." - Gabrie-cat

Despite his own colour pattern being a perfect camouflage anywhere near the tree hordes of kids had already found him anyways.

"And what the hell do you wish for?" Santa Kragok grumbled at the little boy sitting on his knees. After hours like this his legs already felt odd, tingling like they had become numb from the hundreds of butts that had already sat on them and he didn't want to know how often they had been drenched in pee.

"Peace and happiness for everyone", the boy said sounding as proud as if he just invented the concept of peace and happiness.

Kragok sighed. "Listen kid, you aren't the first today who wants that crap and I tell you the same as all the others. I'm just Santa, I can't do wonders. If it can't be bought or stolen or forged or conned it ain't gonna happen."

The boy looked at him wide-eyed for a moment but then beamed at him again.

"Then I want a castle."

For a few seconds Kragok rubbed the bridge of his nose but then bent to the side and reached into his bag as far as he could.

"Let's see what we can do for you... Ah, there..."

He shoved a few sheets of paper into the boy's arms.

"Now you are holding the death certificate of an uncle you never knew you had, a last will written by yours truly me, myself and I but in the handwriting of your uncle and you are now the proud owner of a castle in ... Scotland, wherever that is. Thank me later."

He quickly ushered the confused boy off his lap. The empty space was quickly occupied by a mother placing her girl there. Kragok frowned. The girl looked like she was at least 12 - not really someone he'd expect to be lifted up and placed into his lap by a parent. Well, at least there was less risk she'd pee on him.

"Okay, so let's get this over with. What do you wish for?"

The girl opened her mouth but before she could even take a breath her mother immediately snapped, "Now what are you waiting for? Stop being so impolite and tell Santa why you are here."

The girl glanced at Kragok and when he gave her an encouraging nod she wanted to try another time but yet again her mother interrupted, "This girl is impossible. I am sorry to waste your time like this. So here is what I wrote down for her that she should wish for..."

"I am trying to have a conversation with your daughter here so shut up!" Kragok snarled.

At first the mother looked outraged and as if she was going to protest but something in Kragok's eyes told her it was best to stay quiet.

"Now, with that out of the way, what do you really wish for?" he calmly asked the girl.

"I ... I always would have liked to have a pony ... a small Shetland pony", the girl said quietly, her eyes fixated on the ground. "And a cat..."

"Nononono, there is no way you want that!" The mother shouted.

Kragok shut his eyes and slowly breathed in and out a few times. One minute ... one bloody minute and she already couldn't keep her mouth shut anymore and started yapping again.

"The pony, well, it can stand with our horses if it really has to be", the mother continued. "But there already are sixteen dogs at our mansion. There is just no place for a cat. I am sure she actually wants another dog."

"I am afraid of big horses and allergic to dogs..." the girl mumbled so quietly even Kragok could barely hear her.

"Listen ... lady", the Grandmaster interrupted the loud sermon with barely suppressed anger in his voice. "I am tired, I am pissed - figuratively and literally - I don't have the nerve for a long discussion. Your daughter is old enough to talk and make her own decisions. Hell, in the Legion she would even be old enough to join the army. So shut up and stop controlling every single breath she takes!" He turned towards the girl again. "Hold open my bag for me for a second there, will you? I'll see what I can do."

This time Kragok completely crawled into his bag rummaging around inside while the girl held onto one end not daring to take her eyes off the ground and the mother just opened and closed her mouth looking like an insulted goldfish. Finally the Grandmaster appeared again, in one hand a struggling kitten, the other wrapped around the reins of a small pony.

"His bag is actually a gate to another dimension." - A surprised Gabrie-cat

A smile flickered across the girl's face however it quickly disappeared again.

"Do you have something else on your mind?" Kragok asked now sounding much calmer.

"A way to defend them..." was the resigned answer. "Else everything will be taken away from me again anyways..."

For a moment the Grandmaster looked at her as if deep in thoughts then he placed his hands on her shoulders, bent down so their eyes were on the same level and quietly said, "Outside of this mall you will find a Legionnaire half drowned in a mud puddle. He is handing out flyers. Tell him Kragok sent you and give him whatever info he needs. Should your mother interrupt you let your pony loose to create a distraction or something - don't worry, it is trained, it will find its way back. We have ... connections to help you so you can keep your pets. Hell, if necessary we can also get you out of there and find you a new life somewhere else."

He patted her on the shoulders and gave the mother a last glare before she snatched her daughter away again. With an exhausted sigh he dropped back to his chair. For the first time in days he felt like he actually accomplished something.

"What greater gift is there to give than a new life" - philosophical Gabrie-cat

The stress must really have gotten to him though. He already thought to hear voices. And they sounded philosophical.

He didn't have much chance to catch a breath before the next plopped down in his lap.

"Hi there!" Athair exclaimed and grinned into his face.

"Why am I not surprised..." Kragok mumbled. "What the hell do you want? I'm not in the mood for Guardians right now."

"Oh, don't worry, Mister Santa, it will be quick", Athair said - and unrolled a two metre long paper roll filled with the tiniest writing Kragok had ever seen. "Alright, I am wishing for... a cookie, a cactus, sugar, spice and everything nice, a magical axe, Axe - the body spray, a bucket of Axe - still the body spray, world domination, an orange, a friend for Spectre, the colour blue, Blue's Clues..."

"We have self-service. There is my bag - get your own damn items. Next!"

A male Echidna dressed up as an angel let himself fall into his lap as soon as Athair was gone, winked at the Grandmaster and purred into his ear. "Well, helllllo there, sweetheart."

"I just want to go home", Kragok groaned.

In the background a panic broke loose because a pony raged through the mall.

"What on Mobius is this ... this thing?" Sojourner asked.

He and Sabre stood at the sidelines of what looked like a makeshift runway shoveled out of the snow and watched the scene unfolding in front of them. Thunderhawk had fallen asleep while making snow angels and was now snoring loudly. Spectre was happily packing away dozens of hats into a big sleigh. A winged pink hippo wearing a top hat was harnessed in front of it.

"It's a sleigh, can't you see it?" the dark Guardian explained.

"Yes, I can see that quite clearly and it's not at all what I was talking about", Sojourner waved his hands impatiently. "I meant this ugly pink thing in front of it."

"Hey, a reindeer has feelings too", the hippo said.

"Yeah, as it just said, it's a reindeer", Spectre added without looking up.

Sojourner and Sabre exchanged glances. This was getting stranger by the minute. Thunderhawk who had called them out here had been clearly drunk and they would have shrugged his ideas off hadn't it been for Spectre completely supporting it. That was actually the creepiest part - how normal he had sounded. Yes, it was very unlike Spectre to suddenly get the idea to give away hats to random people while riding in a sleigh drawn by a pink hippo - but there was no hint in his whole demeanour or way of speaking that he was on caffeine or had taken any other mind altering substances.

"Do you think 300 cookie filled hats will be enough?" Spectre asked and checked the sleigh again to see how the weight affected it. "We surely have unnerved a lot of people in the past couple of years and I want to be sure that they all will get their present. There are still tons of cookies left. Not enough hats though."

"Should be enough. I don't think we even bothered THAT many people in the past years. And your, uh, reindeer has turned in its harness", Sabre tried to be helpful.

"This is the way to Mekka", the hippo said.

"Oh, you are a Muslim reindeer?"

"This is not even a reindeer!" Sojourner exclaimed. The whole scene unnerved him more and more.

"Stop shouting!" Spectre yelled. "Instead of complaining you could finally start to contribute to our project." He suddenly kicked against the sleigh. "Damn... Hey, you drunk, weren't we supposed to stay anonymous gift givers? Where in Edmund's name are your promised suggestions on that matter?" He threw a snowball at Thunderhawk but that only caused the lavender male to turn around, mumble something that sounded like "Wear a dress like Harlan", and then sleep in again.

"Dressing us all up completely doesn't even sound like such a bad idea", Sabre tried to defuse the explosion that was threateningly hanging in the air.

Sojourner on the other hand actually thought the whole situation as calmingly normal. Spectre was getting mad over nothing - the world was back in order.

Spectre threw his arms up. "I am freaking BLACK. How many black Echidnas do you know of IN HISTORY? I would have to wear an asbestos suit and a gas mask to cover that up..." He suddenly stopped and stared into space for a while. "Wait that's not even such a bad idea..." He ran back the way they had come from and called over his shoulder, "Get the drunk into the sleigh. Or at least roll him somewhere where he is not in the way. I'll be back in a minute."

Sojourner nudged Sabre's arm. "This could be our last chance to sneak away."

The younger Guardian only chuckled nervously. "I wouldn't want to risk Spectre's wrath. Especially not when he's wearing an asbestos suit."

"Oh, Locke, what a pleasant surprise", Jenna greeted her son when she opened the door. "Gosh, it's been an eternity since I last saw you. You hardly ever come around anymore these days. And you even brought a friend. Come in, come in."

"I actually had been here this weekend, mum. And I won't stay for long. Just to fetch some notes."

"But you at least have to stay for tea and some snacks", Jenna said while shaking Luger's hand so eagerly his whole body was vibrating. "Look at you, you are just skin and bones. Don't they have anything nutritional to eat at Haven?" She hurried into the kitchen. "What kind of snacks do you two want? Cookies? Cake? Ham and eggs? Roast pork? Just give me a bit time and I can prepare it."

"Please, mum, don't trouble yourself on my account. I only need the notes that I forgot here last time then we will be leaving."

"This boy... always so forgetful. If it wasn't stuck to his neck he would forget his head one day. Did you know, one day he even ran outside butt naked because he forgot his own clothes."

Luger looked at Locke with a raised eyebrow.

"Mum! I was two years old at that time!" the Guardian exclaimed. "That's been over 40 years ago."

"What should your little friend over here think of you if he saw you like that?"

"He's even older than me, mum..."

With a sigh he accepted two cups of steaming hot tea and handed Luger one with an apologising look while his mother hurried back to prepare whatever grand dinner she had planned.

"Sorry to drag you into this. I hope you don't mind staying a little longer."

"Not at all. It's ... an interesting experience." As Grandmaster he wasn't used to be that welcomed anywhere, not even by his own family.

Locke suddenly remembered something. "Oh, didn't you want to tell me something before? You know, before the mass of shoppers interrupted us."

"Uh, well..." Luger looked around feeling a bit lost. Surrounded by collections of porcelain figures, cloth flowers and lace doilies while mother rushed around in the background like a startled hummingbird - this was an awkward place for about any confession. He sipped his tea instead and quickly said. "Just forget it for now."

"Oh. Alright..." There was a short pause between them before Locke said, "I think we should quickly go upstairs. Since my notes aren't down here where I left them mum probably put them away in my old room."

Curiously Luger looked around in Locke's old room. It apparently hadn't changed much over the years and still looked suitable for a child to live in there - a child with an almost unhealthy fascination with books and educational toys about electrical engineering, physics and chemistry.

"Cute", he commented with a little grin and nodded at a small bed that looked like a spaceship.

"I haven't been living in here since I started my Guardian training when I was ten", Locke mumbled with his back turned towards Luger so the other male wouldn't notice his blush. "My visits after that were too short to need a room of my own. I have no idea why my mother always kept it looking like a child's room or didn't use it for anything else."

"Because in her mind you will always stay her little naked headless puggle", Luger joked.

"Just stop it..." The Guardian turned around and pushed a few books into Luger's arms. "There, you can help me carry some of them back to Haven instead."

"For you I'd do anything, my fair maiden", the Grandmaster chuckled.

"Do you seriously want to get slapped with a book?" Locke countered with a wry smile and weighed one in his hands.

That moment Jenna already called them again.

"Saved by the bell. Huh, either my mother is the fastest cook ever or we are lucky and she really just has a few snacks."

They quickly grabbed the rest of Locke's stuff and headed downstairs.

"Hm, this looks technical enough. Do you think it's a good gift for Locke?" Athair asked and without waiting for Harlan's answer had already thrown the device into the shopping cart.

"That's a seismograph", Harlan said. "Anyone else would probably see such a gift as you hinting on their loud snoring. Locke - well, he probably will rebuild it into a washing machine or something. He can't use it for much else anyways anymore because the way you threw it in it's most likely an ex-seismograph now."

The store they were in offered a huge variety of goods of all kinds which didn't make their hunt for gifts any easier. At least they could do their shopping completely undisturbed since as soon as the other customers had realised this store didn't offer any sales they had scampered like cockroaches when the light is turned on. The only other remaining customer had disappeared to fetch a shop assistant since the wheels on his shopping cart had broken after he had tried to load a piano onto it. A pony was eating vegetables out of the abandoned cart.

I wished we at least had a shopping list. The description 'something that fits for them' really isn't helping in this case", Harlan said.

"Oh..." Athair suddenly looked as if he had remembered something truly amazing and mindblowing. "I actually did one. Here, it took me a lot of time and effort and long research."

"Then why didn't you say so before?" Harlan snatched the sheet of paper, took a long look and frowned. "That looks like ... a purple ogre? And probably a boat. But it could also be a grenade. A baguette with three legs. Is this guy having intercourse with a pack of chips?" With a sigh he scrunched up the piece of paper. "Would have been too good to be true. Then the only thing left is the good old racking your brains. Let's see... What for example could fill Spectre's cold life with a bit of warmth?"

"A pullover!" Athair happily said.

"Seriously? Well... it actually sounds fitting." He grabbed a bright pink sweater from a shelf and stuffed it into the shopping cart. "Pink fits really well on his black fur. Trust me, I'm a fashion queen. Next! Huh, I once gave Steppenwolf a dozen packs of neon coloured condoms as a joke gift. I'd think the same would be fitting for Sojourner as well - if only he was successful in the slightest. Do you think we should get him an inflatable doll?"

"No, he never goes swimming anyways", Athair replied.

For a moment Harlan stared at the other male.

"Seriously, sometimes I wonder if you are just hellbent ad nauseam to fit your role as the biggest joker of the Brotherhood or if you are really that stupid."

"Well, thank you." Athair gave him a huge grin.

"That wasn't supposed to be a compliment..." He older Guardian let out a sigh. "Forget it. How about yet another pullover."

"An inflatable one!"

"Only if you can find any. What would fit Thunderhawk?"

Athair suddenly waved a lottery ticket in his face.

"What about it?" Harlan asked.

"Because it's more likely to be struck by lightning twice in a row than to win the lottery."

"That... made absolutely no sense in the current context but whatever. Wrap it in another pullover. For Sabre?"

The younger Guardian threw a large roll of bubble wrap into the cart. A crack indicated that the ex-seismograph was now an executed-ex-seismograph.

"Because he often seems to have the desire to wrap Locke in it", he explained.

"That again makes a scary lot of sense", Harlan commented. "We can also wrap a pullover in it." He checked over his weird load again - the last thing Athair had still added was an inflatable superman costume. "Unless you also want to get your own present I think we're done."

They patiently waited at the checkout while the cashier was still outside having an argument with the only other customer over a bunch or vegetables that mysteriously had vanished during the last couple of minutes. A policeman desperately tried to get their attention to take statements. A pony galloped past and stole his hat.

The meanwhile festively decorated Echidnaopolis was covered by a blanket of silent ... chaos. In the stores people were beating each other to a pulp over even the most mundane things. The EST tried to restore some peace and quiet but to no avail. But at least the streets were silent.

Had someone looked up at the grey sky then they probably would have noticed a big green and red sleigh gliding through the air pulled by a pink hippo.

Sojourner desperately held onto the seat of the sleigh. So far their flight had been calm but he still didn't trust this thing.

While Spectre wore his asbestos suit and both Sabre and Thunderhawk had been squeezed into stupid looking elf costumes Sojourner only wore a pointed hat coloured white and red. Spectre had reasoned it with, "Seriously, you look so generic, if it wasn't for your fur mark and your stupid metal forehead plate you could have been the prototype for the whole Echidna kind. You don't need a costume to stay anonymous." Sojourner wasn't even mad at this explanation. Not just because it meant he didn't have to dress up like a nutter - at the current moment he was simply too afraid to feel angry.

"Did I even mention", Spectre had to shout or else the airstream around them would have drowned his voice, "that our reindeer hippo had been a creation by Edi and me? It was buried deep in the codes of one of Thunderhawk's games but when Edi found it he thought it looked awesome and so did I."

Sojourner's eyes widened while he stared at Spectre.

"Wait, this thing is completely DIGITAL?"

"Oh yes. The wonders of modern technology", the dark Guardian replied sounding almost as happy as Athair now.

"Okay, that's it, you definitely ARE nuts. Let me out of here!"

Sabre put a hand on his shoulder trying to calm him down again. "Look, just because it's virtual it doesn't mean something will happen. We have been flying for quite a while by now and.."

He was interrupted by the hippo. "By the way, did you know that I can only exist as long as I still have a wifi connection with Haven? Kay, thanks, bye", it said - and disappeared.

Only thanks to its special built - it was able to glide behind a flying hippo after all - the sleigh didn't follow the natural physics of all sleighs that are suddenly left hanging in the air and instead of dropping like a rock it glided towards the ground. Still with breakneck speed though. It carried its screaming - and in one case loudly snoring - freight past the buildings of Echidnaopolis, entered a market area, hunted some sheep and cattle for a while until they crashed into a conveniently placed haystack. Startled chicken fluttered around them while the Guardians fought their way out of the hay.

"Remember", Spectre said breathlessly, "we are parked next to a ... giant chaos."

"Why are there chicken all around us? And why are we stuck in hay?" Thunderhawk asked with a drowsy voice as if he had just woken up. He pondered for a second. "And why all of a sudden is there an animal market in the middle of Echidnaopolis?"

The X-Files music started playing.

"Are you freaking kidding me?!" Sojourner cried out. "Don't tell me you slept through all this ... this ... TURN THE FUCKING MUSIC DOWN!"

Gabrie-cat just hissed at him and stood over the radio as if to protect it.

"Stop shouting, my head is about to explode", Thunderhawk complained.

"Stop complaining, my nerves are on the edge", Sojourner retorted, rubbed his temples and took a couple of deep breaths to calm down.

It didn't work, especially since Thunderhawk used the silence and with that the most unsuitable moment to ask, "Are the hats okay?"

"The hats?! We just dropped from the sky and you care more about the hats than what could have happened to us?!"

Sabre quickly stepped between the two before Sojourner could jump at his father.

"Thunderhawk didn't mean it like that. He is clearly drunk and doesn't even know what happened", he said in his most calming voice. "We are unharmed and except for this random market - which shouldn't even be here to begin with - the city is fine as well for a change."

"If anyone is to blame then it's me", Spectre said grimly. Though he still didn't feel completely sober the rush of adrenaline had lifted the fog inside of his head enough to make him realise the idiocy of the whole plan. "I am sorry for dragging you into this crap. You can go home if you want to. But I still have to do a lot of redemption to the city. And to you."

For a few seconds Sojourner just stared at him, mouth slightly agape. The sudden apologise and the dejection in his grandfather's voice had caught him off guard.

"It's not like we haven't caused a lot of grief either", he finally said sheepishly while rubbing the back of his head. "Though it would have been appreciated if while redeeming for the chaos we caused in the past we wouldn't cause even more chaos. But I have to admit it is a nice gesture and we should..."

He didn't get any further because suddenly Thunderhawk had rushed towards him, flung his arms around his shoulders and now whined into his ear.

"I'm sorry too because of the sleigh and the hats and there are so many chicken and the pussy is playing music and there are hippos hiding in the hay..."

His rambling made less and less sense by the second.

Sojourner glanced at Sabre seeking for help but the younger Guardian only shrugged helplessly. He never had to deal with the emotional outbursts of a drunk either.

"It's alright, father", Sojourner said when he finally was able to pry him off his neck and led him back to the sleigh. "Why don't you just stay here and ... watch the sleigh. Or better yet sleep it off."

"And once we're back in Haven and you're sober enough we should have a serious talk about your alcohol consumption", he mumbled once he had turned around again. "Okay, now that this is out of the way we still have something else to do. We still need to redeem ourselves."

"Yeah, let's make some people happy", Spectre grimly said. "If they want it or not."

It sounded like a genuine threat.

Charlee the Cat-Bat was standing in the kitchen, sleepily stirring her cup of tea when she was startled by a loud knock on the door. She opened it a bit and carefully peeked outside but then jumped back with a start when the door was suddenly slammed open by someone wearing an asbestos suit. He was accompanied by a strange elf and Sojourner wearing a Santa hat. A dull "Ho, for fuck's sake ho, happy Hanukkah!" was heard then the stranger pushed a straw hat filled with cookies into her arms and slammed the door shut again, leaving her wide-eyed and absolutely confused.

'This is so odd', Luger thought while following Locke through the corridors. 'We haven't even dated once but still within only half of a day I get to meet his mother, am invited to his home and probably will also meet his father.' He quickly tried to push the awkward thought out of his mind again.

"This is our library", Locke commented as if the amount of shelves filled with books hadn't it made obvious enough. "Just put the books on the table. I will take care of them later on." He placed the ones he was carrying there as well then turned towards Luger again with a slight smile. "Looks like we are the only ones in Haven. Maybe we can now finally enjoy some quality time in peace."

"Yeah ... maybe..." Luger said absent mindedly. His gaze was drawn to a whole ceiling filled with mistletoes. He quickly shook his head, looked back at the Guardian and cleared his throat.

"Locke, there is something I wanted to tell you ... about the mistletoe ... well, not just that, it's actually about me and... but the mistletoe surely is convenient." He took a deep breath and stepped closer towards Locke who still just looked at him wonderingly. "You see, when two people meet under a mistletoe they are supposed to..."

A loud crack sounded above them. They both spun their heads and looked up at a rapidly spreading crack and a strangely bulging ceiling.

"What in Edmund's name is happening up there?" Locke cried out. He grabbed Luger's hand and dragged him along while he rushed towards the door. "We have to get out of here! And upstairs!"

They reached the room above the library just in time to see the tip of a cookie mountain disappearing through a large hole in the floor. According to the sounds downstairs its weight wasn't too kind on the library floor either and it continued its journey down.

"Oh no... Spectre will kill someone over this", Locke whimpered and gave Luger a panicked look.

They both winced and spun around when they heard steps and voices in the corridors behind them. The rest of the Brotherhood minus Athair had just arrived. They all looked overworked, tired and definitely not in the mood to deal with massive holes on every floor of Haven. At least none of them seemed to be especially concerned with the Grandmaster right in front of them.

"What was this noise right now?" Spectre asked. "Locke, for the sake of our sanity and your own safety I hope this had nothing to do with you."

"How should I know?" Locke squeaked. "We just arrived here a few minutes ago as well. And I don't think you want to see what happened."

"If you sound like this we especially need to see it."

"Look, it was a long hard day. Why don't you just get some rest and..."

"It's barely even noon and now step aside!"

Locke recoiled under Spectre's glare and the other Brotherhood members now entered the room as well. For a moment they all stood around the hole in the floor in stunned silence.

"There is a massive pile of cookies in the hangar", Thunderhawk chuckled.

Locke was already prepared for a massive explosion from Spectre's side but much to his surprise the dark Guardian only mumbled, "I think I have headache" and walked out. A few seconds later they heard a door slam shut, presumably the one to Spectre's room.

To his even bigger surprise Sojourner clenched his fists and started trembling in anger.

"Where the hell is that damn Athair?" he snarled.

Then without further warning he spun around and dashed out of the room, Sabre right on his heels trying to talk him out of whatever he was about to do.

Luger and Locke exchanged a glance.

"Can you help me with my books again?" Locke asked. "I think I want to move back in with my mother."

"And there you thought this story was already over ending with another chase scene" - Gabrie-cat.

The next day Thunderhawk was sitting at the kitchen table wearing an ugly new pullover and enduring a lecture on alcohol consumption from Sojourner. He had his head buried in his hands - currently not just because of his huge hangover but also to hide the grin that had sneaked onto his face when he remembered how often he had held these lectures to Sojourner in his youth. Now it was the other way round. Wasn't it ironic?

Remington was in his office eating cookies from a giant hat someone had left for him the previous day while he hadn't been at the station.

Today was a calm day. The sales were over, thank goodness, and also the Guardians had remained strangely inconspicuous for the past days. Or if they had caused trouble they at least had perfectly blended in with the rest of the chaos.

The phone rang and disturbed his precious silence.

"I want to press charges against the Dark Legion", an extremely worked up sounding female voice barked at him as soon as he answered it. She didn't even bother with such mundane details as telling her own name.

"Ma'am, excuse me, but what's your name and who exactly from the Dark Legion do you want to press charges against?"

"All of them of course. They are all the same anyways. I am already thinking about suing them for giving my poor dogs such severe PTSD. There is one who always hands out flyers at the street corner and my little babies always bark at him and they get so worked up that they can't stop barking the whole day long. Can you believe it, they already did nothing but bark years before the first Legionnaire even appeared in our city. That's how sensible my little darlings are."

"Ma'am, I doubt your dogs' behaviour has anything to do at all with that guy and his flyers..."

"Why not? Don't you understand it, that stress he is putting them through? And yesterday it became even worse because a few of them were lingering around my house."

Remington frowned. Now this actually sounded as if they were up to no good.

"Do you have any idea why they were staying close to your house?"

"Probably to find a good time or way to kidnap my daughter, how should I know? But the point is, my dogs..."

"Wait, wait, hold on..." Remington interrupted. "Your daughter has been kidnapped?"

"Will you finally stop talking about my damny daughter?!" She sounded unnerved. "That needy little brat probably just did it for attention. Can we get back to the more important things now? My poor pooches..."

"I'm sorry but the connection here is really, really bad. I wouldn't be surprised if you drop out of the line." Remington didn't even try to hide his sarcasm before he pushed the disconnect button and hung up the phone.

He leaned back in his chair and took another cookie. For once the Dark Legion seemed to have done something good.


End file.
